Wednesday, October 31, 2007

This Far by Faith


“We’ve come this far by faith. Leaning on the Lord. Trusting in His Holy Word. He’s never failed me yet. Oh, oh, oh can’t turn around. We’ve come this far by faith.”

Most of you, my friends and family, have asked why I haven’t been writing in my blog. It’s a hard question to answer. But in the middle of the night, I can sometimes feel in my body that I haven’t written. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re trying to go to sleep when something you were working on isn’t finished. Writing for me is a personal excursion that I don’t always want to journey to. It leaves me sometimes in places I don’t want to be. That is why this is my first posting on this blog since 2006.

But in trying to get back to writing in the past several months, I often thought about Homecoming Sunday at my church, the Abyssinian Baptist Church in Harlem. At the end of a season filled with absentee members, a makeshift summer choir, and abbreviated programs, church members return en masse on the 2nd Sunday of September. Homecoming Sunday marks our acknowledgment of the fact that it is time to get back to the seriousness of devotion. A time to return to the safety of a pattern of worship that defines who we are or would like to be.

So in full regalia with long flowing maroon robes with tan collars, the choir marches in singing We’ve Come This Far By Faith. This is one of the “great hymns” of the church and was written by Albert A. Goodson in 1963. It’s an easy song to learn, a catchy tune. It speaks to our need to acknowledge the divine within, a declaration of our desire to unite the earthly and heavenly in an effort to make sense or overcome the pain and/or suffering inherent in the human experience.

It is as powerful to me as an African tribal dance where all participants move in syncopation to the beat of a powerful drum. It is as powerful as a sports stadium filled with people shouting Queen’s We Will Rock You. It is as powerful as dancing the Electric Slide, surrounded by your mother, niece, and best friend - three generations choosing to dance the dance because we all can. This is community, a deep sharing and adhering to the individual as it functions within the context of group.

However, the service ends. There may come the after-church brunch filled with “Rev puh-reached today!” “Did you see how so-and-so was singing a little flat on … what was that song?” “Where’s my fish and grits?”, but eventually we all leave. We go out into the world that drove us to the sanctity of the church in the first place. We go home to wrestle the same demons, and then some, albeit with a full belly and a revived spirit. So at home, I sit and wait for the moment to come upon me. A moment filled with great expectations for the brilliance to come. Waiting for the writing that will pacify this unrest I feel. And it never comes.

But what I’ve come to today is the notion that, yes Dorothy, it was and is always there. The ruby slippers have been on for some time and my inability to click the heels together comes from some dark place within me that enjoys self-torture. “Just do the damn thing”, I am told by that inner voice. So here I write, ending hours, weeks, and months of self-crucifixion.

Alice Walker’s book, or more specifically the title of Alice Walker’s latest book, has done an invaluable service for me. It is entitled, You Are the One That You’ve Been Waiting For. How many years have I wasted in waiting for the fairy godmother, the Prince Charming, mommy, or daddy to realize that my contribution to the world is legitimate? I shudder to think. I know that something moves me to write, and this something is enough. I got up this morning, turned on the computer and started writing again. This re-entry into the world of my blog is now complete. I will get up and begin writing again tomorrow because I am the person that I’ve been waiting for.

On a wing and a prayer, I’ve come this far by faith.

3 comments:

danishowgirl said...

I'm so glad you're back, I've been waiting...

esther alix said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
esther alix said...

This is beautiful Lana.