Smoke

Curling, lilting, and wafting its way through ether, smoke, particularly cigarette smoke, has a nature that can be incredibly seductive and lethal at the same time. As a child I watched old black-and-white movies where Lauren Bacall, Bette Davis, and numerous other women worked a cigarette like a lion tamer works a whip. At the time I knew that I wanted to be that type of women, tough as nails and a heart of gold with yet an underlying sensuality. This ultimately led me to first fascination, and then habit, and finally disgust with smoking. Finito. End of story. Chapter closed. Or so I thought. After moving to Europe I find myself, once again, a victim of its allure-- or worse yet, my own stupidity.

When smoking was banned from New York City bars and restaurants in 2003, I thought it was very un-New York. I could see this happening in L.A., but not New York. This is a town that knows life is tough, and if someone chooses to shorten their life span by taking on smoking, then so be it. We New Yorkers are not afraid of death! After enduring smelly, noisy streets, crack-addicts as next door neighbors, and being felt up by strangers on the subway with an impending MTA fare hike, for God’s sake we deserve to be able to self-inflict by lighting up once in a while.

But I also welcomed the changed. I consider myself a “non-smoker” - meaning someone who doesn’t smoke consistently. I’ve been irritated on numerous occasions by smokers who do not know how to smoke responsibly. People who live in a world of “me” with the rest of us as extras in the scenes of their lives. Never do they develop socially responsible smoking habits such as turning your head so as not to blow smoke in someone’s face. They are lacking in such skills as the “mouth-slide” where, instead of turning one’s head, the entire mouth shifts to the other side of the face upon exhalation. This may sound weird, but in practice I’ve seen it performed with dignity and grace, particularly by women who I would call ghetto-fabulous. Thus, I welcomed the change in the law.

But it’s different here in Europe. Most Europeans early on in their lives have a social orientation around the dining room table, or at the pub, bar, or cafe. They are no stranger to the head turn, the mouth slide, and other smoking conventions. So in a scene repeated on any given day, I am sitting with Tanja, Celeste, Agneta, or any other friend who is a cocktail smoker. We’re in a restaurant, cafe, pub, wine bar, or any other setting involving eating and imbibing. At the point of the 2nd cocktail, one of the aforementioned women pulls out a cigarette. I try to ignore it, but after a while it begins calling my name. Ultimately, my friend asks if I’d like one, and I say yes.


Cigarettes are great because they give you the opportunity for an expanded level of expression. It gives color and nuance to a pause in a conversation, or to a moment of silence as a handsome man walks by. It also gives a certain type of stability as it allows me to drink without getting frightfully drunk so that I can just simply enjoy the moment with a friend.

However, I haven’t completely lost my mind. I’m writing this blog entry to “out” myself. Cigarettes are horrible because it aids in my lack of judgment while in a slightly inebriated state. My decision to do something to my body with no beneficial outcome flies in the face of how I live every day. I am a Pilates instructor and I live for the most part a life of healthy eating, meditating, and working out. My occasional cocktail smoking probably comes from a place that says, “You can’t be too good”. Everybody knows all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl.

But even deeper than that is what I think is the need for human beings to have addictions. Whether food, alcohol, tobacco, sex, or any other object of obsession, it serves to numb the senses so we can tolerate just how hard life can be (even outside of New York). It stunts the growth process by delaying the pain associated with overcoming weaknesses, shortcomings, negative attitudes, broken hearts, etc., etc.

I am no saint. I will not go on to say that I will never pick up a cigarette again. But I do know that this personal acknowledgement of exactly what it is will make me take pause during the time of the offer at the second cocktail. This observation couldn’t have come at a better time. Denmark has decided to ban cigarette smoking from bars and restaurants in 2007! Finito. End of story. Chapter closed.